Couldn't stop crying today

I couldn't stop crying most of today.  It wasn't just one thing.  Lots of things added up.

  • Today we should have been moving Lorelei into her dorm room at OSU.  We couldn't check Facebook or twitter without being reminded that the rest of her classmates are moving on to college while she seems to be stuck in cancer neverland.
  • We visited with an fertility doctor today who told us the odds of Lorelei being able to have a child of her own are very low.  Lorelei, who has devoted herself to purity until marriage may never be able to carry her own child, and yet some people get pregnant "accidentally."
  • Dustin got his official deployment orders for Afghanistan this weekend and shared them with me today.  He'll be leaving before Lorelei finishes her stem cell transplant.
  • Hannah moved to St. Louis today for grad school. Her room is clean and empty and yet I wish it was full and messy like this past year.  I don't know what I'll do without her.
  • Lorelei's boyfriend Brad injured his knee in football practice.  And that young man loves playing football more than any other young man I know. It breaks my heart to know how disappointed he must feel.
  • My trusty 2003 Ford Taurus with 167,000 miles on it broke down today.  I don't know if it will be possible to repair it and I know we can't afford to replace it right now.
  • My living room has no couch.  (One went to St. Louis with Hannah and one to Stillwater with Dustin.)  There's nowhere comfortable to plop down and relax.
  • Gretchen's been sick and couldn't come over to visit because we don't want to expose Lorelei.
  • I forgot to get Lorelei's stitches removed last week.  And today I couldn't get an appointment with the surgeon to remove them because his clinic computers were down.
  • Kevin has a very important and busy week in his business and I'm of absolutely no help to him right now.
  • Lorelei turns 18 on Sunday and I have absolutely nothing planned special for her.  And she has to spend her 18th birthday knowing she'll report to the hospital the very next day (Monday) to start a second grueling round of RICE chemo.

So, yeah.

10 comments (Add your own)

1. Ken Clements wrote:
Your strength to carry on so strong and determined is very inspirational to me. Your family is so lucky to have you as their pillar.

Mon, August 13, 2012 @ 9:35 PM

2. JoAnna McCall wrote:
I can't imagine how you feel as a parent going through this. All we can do is pray for you and ask for strength and peace to get through all the changes that are going on right now. I remember a sermon from a guest preacher a year or two ago. He said you always hear that God never gives you more than you can bear. He disagreed, saying that until you have more than you can bear, you don't need God. Praying that God will be so close to all of your family.

Mon, August 13, 2012 @ 9:47 PM

3. Stephen Y wrote:
I'm not going to say much here. Just that I am praying for your whole family. Hal and I lost our dad and Leah lost her mom just a few weeks prior to our our wedding. We are asking the tough questions less and less as each day shows us that there is a loving Father who is with us in the midst of the storm and their are such inspiration that comes from you and your daughter's life. Thank you dear Sister in Christ, and that older girl up the street from our house who always had a smile.

Mon, August 13, 2012 @ 10:29 PM

4. Angela wrote:
Remember Satan loves to throw up stressors and obstacles. You have a lot of people praying for your family. Why not let your Oklahoma friends and family take over the birthday plans? Keep hanging tough!

Mon, August 13, 2012 @ 10:48 PM

5. Kelly wrote:
Cried along with you reading this. Makes my every day problems seem really small. You and your family are loved by a lot of people who are praying for you. I hope that gives you strength to carry on and know that God has this. Lorelei is lucky to have such a loving mom. Praying for you and your entire family.

Mon, August 13, 2012 @ 11:24 PM

6. Sharon Hendricks wrote:
Sometimes you just need a good cleansing cry. My prayers continue for Lorelei and your family.

Tue, August 14, 2012 @ 6:25 PM

7. Shawna wrote:
"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears."

Tue, August 14, 2012 @ 9:35 PM

8. Andrea Decker wrote:
We are truly blessed. Thank you all for your wonderful words of encouragement and offers of help. About ten minutes after I posted this Debbie Clary Hanni called and said they had a comfy chair in their garage looking for a new home. Then five minutes later her husband Kevin was at our door delivering it. I'm sitting comfortably (very) in it right now and writing this post. The family of God amazes me. Since there will only be three of us living here (and two of us will be staying in the hospital for quite a while) we can live without a couch for a while. At least there's one comfortable chair! I dare anyone to challenge me on the idea that God is not intimately concerned and involved with the most minute details of each of our lives.

We're waiting on the mechanic to call about the Taurus. Believe it or not, I love that old car. Nothing better than having a car with no car payment. I know God will provide a way to fix or replace it. Donations continue to come to us ($10 and $25 at a time) from the link on so if we need to use that money to repair the car, we will.

And Lorelei Decker, displaying amazing grace, reminds me that God may already have a plan to not only bless her with children some day via adoption, but to bless the lives of some children who may otherwise not have had a family to love them. God builds families lots of ways.

Dustin Decker believes God has called him to Afghanistan. He follows Jesus and will minister to whomever crosses his path while he is there, including his fellow soldiers. I cannot question God's plan in this.

And even though Hannah's room is empty, my heart is full of her love.

It is a new day and we are choosing to glorify our Savior in it today. Sorry for the post I made as I sat on my "pitty potty" yesterday. I needed to get it out and now it is done. We're moving on.

Wed, August 15, 2012 @ 8:17 AM

9. Katie Edmiston wrote:
Hey, i have been keeping up with lorelei because we had an online class together, she is friends with my brother Carson Williams, and of course, she is a fellow alum from North!! I am messaging you to see if there is any way you would be able to tell me what happened to your car. I pray for you guys everyday. I would love to be able to help you with anything i can and so i would like to know what is wrong with the car. My husband works on cars and may be able to help. I am continuing to pray for you and your family!

Wed, August 15, 2012 @ 8:59 AM

10. Pam Carpenter wrote:
Well, I'm crying along with you. And it's really okay for you to cry sometimes! I am simply in awe of your strength and faith and testimony throughout this journey. I am also so thankful to our Lord that He is surrounding you with his love and comfort and continues to provide, even down to a comfortable chair. While Lorelei's journey has been so excruciating, her attitude has been a constant reminder for all of us (both young and old) to keep things in perspective. I wish I could give you a hug right now, but a "cyber-hug" will have to do! May you continue to experience His peace.
Love ya, Pam

PS - If I can do anything to bring "OSU" to her, let me know. I've got connections here!

Wed, August 15, 2012 @ 11:19 AM

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Psalm 91:14-16

New International Version (NIV)

14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."